I talk a whole lot about what we're doing and a lot more about what we're going to be doing; I haven't talked a lot about the actual emotional journey this title has taken me on and today is the day that I want to talk about that.
In February, Sir and I had a long conversation spanning several days about the upcoming contest; I wanted to run but felt I would be the "easy out" contestant as I am a queer woman in a long term heterosexual monogamous relationship. Despite being a leather woman and identifying as such for the last two years, I thought myself a "lesser" competitor because I felt I'd be dismissed as "not as much of a member of the leather community" because I don't play with lots of people and have only had one leather partner - Sir, whom I adore and love dearly. In His ever infinite wisdom, Sir told me that I wouldn't be written off because I was a leather woman - and I was His leathergirl. Feeling reassured - knowing that Sir saw me as I wasn't able to see myself yet - and eager to be a part of the experience, I filled out the contest application and submitted my name.
The next weeks, I spent almost all my free time researching the community's history, learning names and dates, reading about my judge's panel and all their contributions to the community I love and cherish so dearly. Every page of information made my head swim - so many amazing people and I thought myself worthy to represent them? I struggled to believe I had what it would take to do our community justice. Sir and I studied all the information and talked in great lengths about what it all meant and how history had truly shaped the world we were living in that day; ironically, we also got to hear RuPaul's Drag Race talk about Stonewall and the way those days had also shaped the drag community into what it is today which had a great deal of impact on me personally.
The days rolled by and the contest drew closer; I wondered daily if I really was ballsy enough to believe I was the right person for the title and the more I thought about, the more I questioned it, the louder the leather girl in me screamed "YES!". Thank goodness for that; because when we finally got to the contest, I was pretty sure the little leather girl in my brain was crazy or lying, but I desperately wanted to do my community - my Sir - proud.
I remember parts of the contest, by only snatches of it now; it all seemed so amazing and exciting and overwhelming like being on a roller coaster. The meet and greet at DogHouse was so busy, there were so many amazing conversations and people. By the time I got home that night, it was already jumbling together and just piling into my anxiety about the contest. I questioned if I was ready, if I was capable, mostly I was afraid I'd forget my speech on stage.
That night; while trying to sleep (which really, no contestant ever sleeps enough the night before a contest, let's stop lying to ourselves here) I realized I didn't like my speech and that I didn't feel passionate about it. I sat there trying to figure out what to do, finally I realized I had one option : throw it out and start over. That was terrifying, and I cried all night thinking how hopelessly unprepared I felt. Sir held me and kissed my hair and let me be a mess, He knew I needed to just process.
The very next morning, I knew what I had to do; I had to stop trying to please the judges and be true to me. So I decided to not worry about my speech too much and just figure out what I wanted to talk about, once I had a topic, I knew the words would be easy. During my interview, it was brought home to me that my passion, my truest interest in the community was actually the community. How simple! When my world was upside down, I was scared and hurting, it was the community who took me in, who held me and comforted me, who offered advise and wisdom. All I wanted was to give back to them even 1% of what had been given to me.
That night, I was astounded when the contest ended and I was announced as Washington State Ms Leather 2012; I looked at Sir and saw such pride on His face. Giddy and so amazed by the outcome, I watched as Sir too was announced as Washington State Mr Leather 2012. We were both astounded, we were both so very proud of each other, so excited - and a little bit in denial. We could hardly believe we would be sharing a year as title holders. We woke up the next morning and there, hanging beside each side of the bed was a sash, a visible proof that we were, in fact, sharing the next year as sash-husband and -wife.
Sir turned to me that morning, His eyes very wide, and said "Holy shit, those are real. We did it."
I couldn't have said it more honestly than that.
The next months were filled with going to events and parties, helping with fundraisers and anything else we were asked to help with all while trying to figure out what we wanted to do with our year. It wasn't hard, we wanted to help the community; I wanted to focus on increasing tolerance within the community for all members and challenge some of the older (and maybe outdated?) prejudices against folks of a different gender/orientation or those older/younger/less or differently experienced. It hurt me to know we could be so harsh to our own family and I wanted to work towards breaking down those barriers respectfully and with compassion and understanding. Sir turned His attention to helping the smaller communities in our state to network, working together and sharing information and experience to help each other grow. We chose to focus on working to build the smaller groups so they could succeed and not just fade into oblivion without the larger groups ever hearing of their existence or struggles.
I have had the opportunity to meet people all over this state from all walks and an amazing array of histories; each person I meet has left a little imprint on my heart and this leather girl has never been more honored to be a part of the community. I get tired, sometimes, and feel like all my energy isn't enough but then I remind myself how a little thing can sometimes be the world-changer for somebody who you'd never expect it to impact so strongly. One day, I hope I'm that pebble in somebody else's pond.
Until that day (and for every day after it), I will work to continue to learn and grow and be the best damn girl Sir could ever imagine.
I want to thank the community - my community - for taking me in and giving me the chance to find myself.
My world is full of amazing people and experiences - and lots of gorgeous leather!
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